im going to post a half and half today.
May 31, 2009
His mom doesn’t like me at all.
Last night Loser and I happened to be eating dinner with his mom around and it felt really awkward, for me at least. I could figuratively feel her scanning me for flaws: in conversation, in condition, and in action. I couldn’t figure if it was only my paranoid talking, or was she only making it unconsciously clear that I seemed like a typical B.I. to her son? I wish it were the former, but later that night I couldn’t drive away the thought.
Let me see. First she was asking me all these “am I right” questions that I definitely needed to clarify. She was getting it all wrong though. Wait. No. From what I remember, she was asking me what my name was, and then she was getting it all wrong. She asked me what my course was, and then asked me why I transferred to Ateneo. Then Loser butts in and we told her completely different answers. His was a vague and elementary reason: because I want to take up film and be a director. Mine though was, well, the truth: because my parents needed to watch over me for my medication. I didn’t say “medication” though, I said “sickness.” If I said “medication,” she would probably think I take anti-depressives or something, or that I have a very fatal disease. But isn’t it the same as when you say “sickness?” There are medically a million sicknesses out there.
What I said—about my parents watching over me—might give her the wrong impression. It might look like I did something wrong. And to make it worse, what I wore that night resembled what typical moms would say “parang adik,” since I was wearing a black hoodie, a black skirt, black shoes, and even my nails are polished black.
(not continued)
JUNE 7, 2009
(typed while online)
I’M REALLY BORED.
i’ve been online since 1 in the morning and i’ve done nothing but log in my friendster account and look at people’s profiles. maybe it’s best if i go to sleep but i’d rather stay up until dawn so i could get rid of some depressing thoughts.
some updates though:
1. i now study in the ateneo, a couple of kilometers away from home. i am now studying AB Communication. i am, again, a freshman. well, transferee, but what the hell, everybody thinks i’m a freshman anyway so why bother.
2. Loser and i are still together. and just recently i think i gave him the impression that i’m sick of being around him (translation: sawa na), which is not true. if anything, he should be the one who’s supposed to be sick of me because i always want to be with him. ALWAYS. and it’s not just in the mushy because-i-love-him-so-much way. it probably looks like it’s also in a weird psychotic way. well, i guess he’s fine with having a psycho around him all the time. WRONG CHOICE.
3. I’m down to one tablet a day. according to my recent x-ray, the doctor said i was “recovering.” i thought it was getting worse though. plus my mom still hasn’t bought me my meds.
4. i’m still adjusting to college life in ateneo. with loser.
5. i should adjust to a college life without loser. and, we have to break up again.not because i;m sick of him, but because we can’t be seen together anymore. i know i know it’s hard to do. i mean, hours ago, i was just with him. so sure, i had the usual crappy-at-first-but-it-went-well-in-the-end date, but that’s precisely what i have to be careful of.
6. it will be extremely difficult but i will be avoiding Loser. and i won’t tell him. because if i tell him, i’ll end up not doing it. this obsession thing has got to stop. it’s bad enough that i always want to be with him, what more when he tolerates it?
wait. i still haven’t given the reason why i will be avoiding him (if i can). like i typed earlier, it’s because we can’t be seen together anymore. well, there was this one incident when he left me all alone in the rain and i kind of felt like i was going to die since my nose was already bleeding and i couldnt stop coughing my lungs out because of the cold. not to mention the old man who approached me and asked me to stay inside his house for a while because i was all cold and wet. of course i refused and ignored him. i got freakin scared! i know i haven’t mentioned that to Loser though. but i’d rather not go back there. it was one depressing night for me. and i couldn’t blame him–his mom was looking for him already. although, to tell the truth, if you think about it, it made me realize that he’d rather go to his mom as soon as possible than stay with me for even a couple of minutes just to make sure i’m okay, even if it meant his mom would scold him for eternity.
haaay. so much for what i want.
it never really occured to me that Loser would not be the person that i’ve always thought of. now, he’s just plain predictable, no longer as spontaneous as before. now, i have to tell him what he should do or what i want so he would get the idea. it’s not that i’m sick of him or anything, it’s just that…i think his magic is all gone. sure, we’re constantly on a rollercoaster kind of relationship, but sometimes i think that he’s the one who’s getting tired of me. like he’s no longer in love with me anymore. because the magic is all gone, i have to keep appearing and reappearing for him just so he would be reminded that i’m still here. pfft. even his parents don’t like me.
and of course the problem is still with me. it has always been me.
-isablahblah-