is it me or am i breaking it off and getting back on almost every week?
im done. i just need clarification. what if im breaking up with someone who wont even talk to me, wont even text me.
im not feeling the love. anymore.
-isablahblah-
for vince
this whole blog is for vince.
i’m afraid that if i don’t let you go now, i never would. this wall i was talking about, i built it all by myself. it is a product of years and years of regret, heartbreak, deceit, frustration, insecurity, and hate. you were so close to destroying it. almost too close. but then something happened, i don’t know what it is, but i think you gave up.
in your defense, i know you have a lot to say. you never gave up, you held on to me. you didn’t let go of our relationship whatever it took. but why was it always always not enough? and then a few hours ago you gave the answer: you never felt my love for you. a year and nine months later, the answer pops out. right now, i am not close to crying. i think my tears gave up on me too.
you want to know why you think of me this way? it’s because your love has overshadowed whatever love i have left for you to feel. you think you love me so much, you think your love is so great that you never saw mine. i also had something to offer to you. all the time. it really makes me cry whenever i remember you saying it: “hindi ko naman malalaman kasi…” dahil ba hindi kita minahal? was that it? were you really so convinced that i did not love you at all?
i love you. when it goes past the words, would it make your heart beat like it does mine? would it make you savor every moment you have with me? would you go against all odds just trying to see me?
i am so tired vince. i am also so scared. i love you, i gave up my body, i gave up my time, i gave up my thoughts. and yet it always appears that i never loved you at all. it’s all so confusing.
DID I EVEN LOVE YOU AT ALL?
i want you back, but i have only one finger left to grab onto the ropes of our relationship. will you try to grab my hand, or have you already slipped?
-isablahblah-
i can smell the flowers rotting from here…
…and i’m loving it.
it’s 5:31 and i feel like dying.
nothing interests me lately.
i’m going to fail. i just know it. i know it like how jared leto’s character in chapter 27 knew it. you have to watch the movie to know what i’m talking about.
i wish vince was here. he always makes me feel a lot better. yea, i guess even when he makes me feel bad, he still makes me feel a lot better. i wish i could throw him away like how sarah (sister) throws away the boyfriends she has when she gets bored, but vince is more special than all of them combined. hence, he is not worth being thrown away.
maybe i’m the one worth being thrown away. anyone could smell my uselessness from afar.
but not vince. never vince. and that’s why i could never throw him away even if i badly want to. because i love him, and because he cares about me even if i constantly deny it.
-isablahblah-
issa the failure
june 21,2009
issa the failure.
issa the heartbreaker.
issa the heartbroken.
issa the destroyer.
issa the weirdo.
issa with vince.
issa without vince.
—————————————————————————–
IF I COULD JUST TELL MY HEAD TO SHUT THE FUCK UP then i wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore about loser. i think it’s over. i think it’s not.
SAY SOMETHING! i want him to tell me in his sincerest way that he’s still in this with me. i want him to tell me all the horrible stuff that his past relationship has contributed to him so i won’t feel like i’m just a continued part of the “moving on” phase of the one he previously loved,or still loves. i want him to tell me he loves me without sounding forced. i want him to take me out and bring me to places i’ve never been to, show me things i’ve never seen much of–without mentioning the money. i want him to think of ways to not look irritated or annoyed whenever i’m around him. i want him to be himself, and not act like a fraud or a phony. i want him to express himself to me. i want him to enjoy being with me. i want him to love me.
it’s just so sad that the more he assures me that he does indeed love me, the more that i dont believe him. and it breaks my heart just to listen to someone who no longer knows what to say, because i’ve already taken away all his words. and it seems that he has nothing much to give anymore.. maybe free rides in jeepneys, or free lunch, but is that something?
i have fallen in love with a person who doesnt do much anymore but tell me he loves me and offer me free fares and free food. i have fallen in love with someone who doesn’t care anymore. i have fallen in love with a person who lets go of my hand when somebody laughs behind his back or in front of him. i have fallen in love with a person who desires what i think of as shallow and stereotypical.
i have fallen in love and i dont know if that person still has in his heart the courage to tell me he loves me. i have fallen in love with someone who has overlooked my ugliness and regrets having done so.
i need him to tell me the truth, if there is still enough space for me to fit in his life, or does he just intentionally forget to leave enough space for me to fit in?
-isablahblah-
the “ta-da!” factor
June 15, 2009
Oh. It’s Leo’s birthday today. I remember.
Someone I know has the “ta-da!” factor. And it’s not Loser (anymore). It’s Black Pearl. Let’s just call him Black Pearl. I don’t know. I just got that weird feeling. And no, it is definitely not love. More like a cross between an innocent crush and a weird envy. He has a “ta-da!” factor. Weird.
“ta-da!” factor definition: it’s when you feel like you’re with an awesomely great person beside you and you just want to tell it to him but you can’t because he’ll think you’re infatuated with him when you’re not because you’re insanely in love with another guy
Oh come on. I don’t like like Black Pearl. He’s okay, we get along well. He’s also a great friend. And he’s so coooool. Hahaha.
Concrete details: Yesterday he texted me saying he’s going to Naga with his family because his brother has a modeling gig. Yey! So we hung out. Walked around the mall. Talked about weird artsy-fartsy stuff. Camwhored a bit. Plus he bought a bracelet for our souvenir. His sister is cute. Haha.
Dot dot dot.
While I am typing this I’m thinking of Loser and I’m so distracted. It’s him again. I need to stop listening to sappy emo songs because when I do I recall his forlorn love with his freakin first love. And then I am hurt again. It’s stupid. I’m stupider because I fell in love with someone who won’t love me back as much as the one he originally loves. Maybe I should kill her so I would be happy and it will all be done with. Or maybe I should just get done with Loser so I could offer him back to her and they’ll all live happily ever after just like when they were madly infatuated with each other and before I suddenly came in the picture and ruined their sad sad love story.
Oh and maybe their theme song would be:
Is it too late to stop this pain that I have created?
For make-ups in the million dances that we shared
Is it too late I realized I’ve been such a fool
Is it too late I just want
One more chance to
Hold your hand again
One more chance to
Be the one your heart beats for again
If it’s okay I’d like a minute to speak with you
I’m sure that he will understand
Just want to say that you’re the best that ever happened to me
If it’s okay I just want
One more chance to
Be your guiding light
One more chance to
Be the one who makes things right again
One more chance to
Paint your brighter days
One more chance to
Be the reason you’re okay
One more chance to
Kiss you in the dark
One more chance to
Never ever be apart
I promise I won’t break your heart
Please can we just start again.
It’s the song I’m listening to. Haha. Rico Blanco, Start Again.
This is pointless. I will never be able to look at Loser again the way I did before. Not anymore. I mean, he has his Angel now. Who do I have? Raffy who also left me ruined and shitty and depressed?
-isablahblah-
it seemed like fun
im going to post a half and half today.
May 31, 2009
His mom doesn’t like me at all.
Last night Loser and I happened to be eating dinner with his mom around and it felt really awkward, for me at least. I could figuratively feel her scanning me for flaws: in conversation, in condition, and in action. I couldn’t figure if it was only my paranoid talking, or was she only making it unconsciously clear that I seemed like a typical B.I. to her son? I wish it were the former, but later that night I couldn’t drive away the thought.
Let me see. First she was asking me all these “am I right” questions that I definitely needed to clarify. She was getting it all wrong though. Wait. No. From what I remember, she was asking me what my name was, and then she was getting it all wrong. She asked me what my course was, and then asked me why I transferred to Ateneo. Then Loser butts in and we told her completely different answers. His was a vague and elementary reason: because I want to take up film and be a director. Mine though was, well, the truth: because my parents needed to watch over me for my medication. I didn’t say “medication” though, I said “sickness.” If I said “medication,” she would probably think I take anti-depressives or something, or that I have a very fatal disease. But isn’t it the same as when you say “sickness?” There are medically a million sicknesses out there.
What I said—about my parents watching over me—might give her the wrong impression. It might look like I did something wrong. And to make it worse, what I wore that night resembled what typical moms would say “parang adik,” since I was wearing a black hoodie, a black skirt, black shoes, and even my nails are polished black.
(not continued)
JUNE 7, 2009
(typed while online)
I’M REALLY BORED.
i’ve been online since 1 in the morning and i’ve done nothing but log in my friendster account and look at people’s profiles. maybe it’s best if i go to sleep but i’d rather stay up until dawn so i could get rid of some depressing thoughts.
some updates though:
1. i now study in the ateneo, a couple of kilometers away from home. i am now studying AB Communication. i am, again, a freshman. well, transferee, but what the hell, everybody thinks i’m a freshman anyway so why bother.
2. Loser and i are still together. and just recently i think i gave him the impression that i’m sick of being around him (translation: sawa na), which is not true. if anything, he should be the one who’s supposed to be sick of me because i always want to be with him. ALWAYS. and it’s not just in the mushy because-i-love-him-so-much way. it probably looks like it’s also in a weird psychotic way. well, i guess he’s fine with having a psycho around him all the time. WRONG CHOICE.
3. I’m down to one tablet a day. according to my recent x-ray, the doctor said i was “recovering.” i thought it was getting worse though. plus my mom still hasn’t bought me my meds.
4. i’m still adjusting to college life in ateneo. with loser.
5. i should adjust to a college life without loser. and, we have to break up again.not because i;m sick of him, but because we can’t be seen together anymore. i know i know it’s hard to do. i mean, hours ago, i was just with him. so sure, i had the usual crappy-at-first-but-it-went-well-in-the-end date, but that’s precisely what i have to be careful of.
6. it will be extremely difficult but i will be avoiding Loser. and i won’t tell him. because if i tell him, i’ll end up not doing it. this obsession thing has got to stop. it’s bad enough that i always want to be with him, what more when he tolerates it?
wait. i still haven’t given the reason why i will be avoiding him (if i can). like i typed earlier, it’s because we can’t be seen together anymore. well, there was this one incident when he left me all alone in the rain and i kind of felt like i was going to die since my nose was already bleeding and i couldnt stop coughing my lungs out because of the cold. not to mention the old man who approached me and asked me to stay inside his house for a while because i was all cold and wet. of course i refused and ignored him. i got freakin scared! i know i haven’t mentioned that to Loser though. but i’d rather not go back there. it was one depressing night for me. and i couldn’t blame him–his mom was looking for him already. although, to tell the truth, if you think about it, it made me realize that he’d rather go to his mom as soon as possible than stay with me for even a couple of minutes just to make sure i’m okay, even if it meant his mom would scold him for eternity.
haaay. so much for what i want.
it never really occured to me that Loser would not be the person that i’ve always thought of. now, he’s just plain predictable, no longer as spontaneous as before. now, i have to tell him what he should do or what i want so he would get the idea. it’s not that i’m sick of him or anything, it’s just that…i think his magic is all gone. sure, we’re constantly on a rollercoaster kind of relationship, but sometimes i think that he’s the one who’s getting tired of me. like he’s no longer in love with me anymore. because the magic is all gone, i have to keep appearing and reappearing for him just so he would be reminded that i’m still here. pfft. even his parents don’t like me.
and of course the problem is still with me. it has always been me.
-isablahblah-
time to part
January 27, 2009
Time to part.
It’s weird that I’ve been ranting for a couple of months now with Loser getting tired of me, cheating on me, getting back with them other girls, et cetera et cetera. I don’t think he ever really did any of those. Instead, the more that our relationship lasted, the more that he realized how much he loves me. Or, the more that I kept saying that he’ll mess up, the more that it never happened. But now that I’m typing this, it’ll probably be happening, or it already is happening. He will have to be the one to prove it.
But now, it’s time to part. I realized that I’ve put him through so much already. I love him too much. I can’t do that anymore. It would break my heart more to see him go away. Or get rid of me soon. I guess I’m just really selfish. Or ungrateful. Or just plan evil. I’m too scared to get hurt that I’m the first one letting go already. It’s such a stupid move. But it’s not a game. Not anymore. And how much pain I have already caused him, how much he has had to sacrifice, and how much he has left behind—I cannot keep doing this to him.
Because every time I am reminded of how much he is putting up with because of me, I think of how much more he would have to put up with when we last longer together. Would I be a more sinister, more shitty girlfriend? Would he get pissed off and leave me depressed?
I think he’s starting to do it already, getting back at me for all the wrong things I’ve done for him. Maybe he’s doing it now. But he’d have to hide it, so it would be more painful once I already know.
And then we’d both think it’s time to part.
-isablahblah-
bipolar
January 20, 2009
Not me, although I constantly admit to being bipolar; it’s stupid, I’m not even sure if I’m really bipolar, but everyone agrees anyway. My brother is the one who’s said to have bipolar symptoms, straight from the psychiatrist’s mouth. He made an appointment with the psychiatrist last Saturday, and now he’s on meds. Anti-depressants are quite frankly addictive. And seeing a few of them again on Popo’s med box are really, really tempting. But I’m over that phase now. And now it’s my brother’s turn—and he looks more lethargic than ever. I hope he survives what I was close to not having survived with.
Right now I’m listening to new songs from my friend Earl’s mp3, copied to this laptop. Cool guy, he knows indie bands. Tall guy, too. Haha.
I’m pissed off at Loser again. He did not keep his word for the second time. The first time was when he promised that he won’t be playing DotA for the meantime because his midterms are coming, but played so anyway. What made me more pissed off at that time was that for our NSTP midterms, we had to write down about the person who we trust the most, and I wrote his name. Just a couple of hours after that, he broke my trust. This time, we agreed to save on load this week, which means that we won’t be texting anyone for the whole week so we could save money to go to a gig. But he wrongly sent a text message to me yesterday, which was supposed to be for his brother. He could’ve told me that he’s still going to text important people when we both agreed not to text that much, but instead, he even told me that I was the only person who he texts all the time so he really won’t be texting that much anymore. Hypocrite. I, on the other hand, got carried away with his hypocrisy. Stupid me.
The issue is not about not texting that much, but on keeping one’s word. He could’ve borrowed a friend’s phone to text his brother. He could’ve asked permission from me first. If it really were that important, then maybe I would’ve been considerate about it. But he even had to let me know by wrongly sending the message to me. Frankly I got hurt. I received the message when we were checking our Math midterm exam papers, and torturing ourselves with the wrong mistakes that never seem to stop invading each of our own papers. The worst mistake I got was receiving that text message from him. My friend Fred even asked me why I cried, he thought he was the one who made me cry because he kept teasing me that I got a lot of mistakes in my paper. I did get a lot of mistakes. I got 32 out of 72.
That’s 40 mistakes. Loser’s mistake was a hundred times more painful for me to bear.
-isablahblah-
so little time
January 13, 2008
I’ve been having a hard time fully giving every detail of what had happened during the time when I was feeling a bit stagnant. Last time I checked, the last time I wrote here was during the 8th of October or the 26th of October. If the entry for the 26th of October wasn’t published, then I’d have to publish it. Really now, I don’t see the point of having to update my blog when no one actually reads it. Well, when the time is right, specifically when Loser and I really break up, then that’s the time someone, I assure you, will read it. Specifically Loser. I’m getting a “specifically” frenzy right now, sorry. I’m working on my undergraduate thesis and I’m kind of getting the hang of writing formal words.
Anyway, on the 25th of October, Loser and I watched the Tower of Doom gig. Weird stuff happened. That’s it. Whenever I recall the scene of me slamming amidst a crowd of sweaty er..slammers, and Loser standing a bit way behind, it makes me feel so embarrassed of myself. I can’t really imagine the look on his face while he watches me slam like a sissy. YAKS.
Oh, and during sembreak, I had my saliva tested, and I found out that I am officially a candidate for Tuberculosis. I started taking meds from the 1st week of November, but fortunately, right now I don’t take them anymore. They give me headaches. Plus every six hours they make me nauseous. My classmates think I’m pregnant. To hell with them.
Oh, yea. On the 1st of November, that’s All Souls Day, I wanted to break up with Loser. Mushy scene. He talked me out of it, but I think that’s one thing he’ll start regretting from that day onwards. During November, I always had problems with him, vice versa, or me thinking he has problems with me, vice versa. If our relationship were a movie, right now, this scene is supposed to be the scene where everyone from the audience keeps shouting “WHY CAN’T YOU FUCKING BREAK UP ALREADY?”
He saw a picture of me with Tobby, a gay classmate, and he got jealous. My classmate Blake harassed me at a friend’s party late November, I got a bit traumatic, and I swear to God I think I was blushing (or maybe getting wet.) when he was asking me where I could find Blake so he could kick his ass. Well, I’m not exactly sure if “kick his ass” is the right term. But still. I got wet. Hahahaha.
On December Blake wanted to say sorry and wanted to be friends with me again, but I didn’t want to. I talked to the guy and I told him to stay the hell away from me from now on. Sayang. He’s a good friend and all, really. But if he keeps acting stupid whenever he’s wasted, then nevermind. So now I’ll just have to try and forget what happened.
I wanted to break up with Loser again on the 22nd of December, when I was starting to have the so-called Holiday Blues. As far as I can remember, that’s the day before he was going to leave for Manila to spend the holidays. Again, he talked me out of it. I hate myself. I’m so vulnerable.
Attempted suicide on the 24th of December. Attempted suicide on the 1st of January.
Cynical as I may sound, I still love the guy. Really, I do. It’s just that my mind can’t adjust to him. What I mean to say is that the old Issa and the Issa-with-Loser Issa can’t jibe. They’re like twin opposites. Old Issa is the Evil Insecure Sister of course. I prefer Old Issa from Issa-with-Loser Issa, because it’s more me. But if I have to kill Old Issa just so Loser would be happy, then kill her I must do. That’s how much I love Loser. And that’s how much Old Issa hates him.
Haaaay. So right now I’m working on the first chapter of my undergrad thesis. My partner’s Freddie, but I guess he’s the invisible partner—the type of partner who gives you ideas but doesn’t help, anyway. Oh, and bad news: my brother Popo is not graduating this year, which means less chances of me really getting to transfer to UP. Great. On the plus side, we’re both working on our theses, and he’s becoming a great help for eradicating any vocabulary slush I’m contracting from incompetent people. Wow. How elitist of me.
My sister Sarah told me I was starting to sound gay. Hey, at least that’s one thing that assures me that I can make people laugh (already). That’s only one thing. My sarcasm still outrules them all.
So what’s my resolution? Sadly, I have so little time to think about it. Maybe I’ll try again next year.
-isablahblah-
