problems and resolutions

May 19, 2008

 

I need to fix my life for a while. No—I need to fix my life, and make it permanently fixed. I don’t even know how I’m going to end writing about this.

 

PARENTS

 

They are pissed off like hell at me. Last Friday, I jammed with my friends, and went home a bit drunk. I went home at 11PM. 2 days ago—that’s Saturday, I went to the movies to watch Ironman. I went home at 12AM. I don’t need to write about the details, the more important part in this paragraph is that notice what time I usually went home—late at night. That’s what my parents are pissed off about—they worry about me. Well, not exactly both of them, but only my Mom. My Dad gave up on me last March 31, when I went home at 4AM; we never talked to each other ever since that day.

 

Anyway, so now, my Mom and I were supposed to go to Legazpi so I would be enrolled in BU, but when I asked her, we ended up arguing. She told me sarcastically that I planned to go to college after all. I didn’t want to make it worse by answering her so I just went upstairs and slept. Of course I cried. I felt bad. And yea, we never went to Legazpi. That’s why I’m typing in this computer right now. Now I feel like I’m not going to school anymore. This sucks because I never really wanted to make them think that I don’t want to study anymore. I’m not destroying myself. I have no intention to. But they see it that way. They see me as someone who could never listen to anything they say because I want to do things my way, for my own self-centeredness’ sake. It’s partly true, though.

 

But you know what, the more painful thing is that I’m starting to think that they both are giving up on me. I don’t want to. I can’t do anything about it anymore because I might look pretense. And it hurts because I feel like they don’t want to do anything about it. That’s what’s wrong right now. They keep lecturing me, but they’re not helping me. Of course lecturing is like helping already, but what can words do about my life? My self-confidence and self-esteem are already at their lowest, and I don’t think any pep talk could motivate me right now—not when I’m not in the right mind and in the right state. I could feel guilty, but what has guilt ever done to me? It only made me more depressed than usual.

 

Right now I don’t know how to resolve this problem with my parents, and I feel scared about not going to college. I tried calling my former school to inquire about my Form 137—that’s needed for my enrollment, I’m supposed to get it today since my Mom and I are going to Legazpi, but the registrar told me that it would be available tomorrow—but I hung up immediately.

 

I’m trying to figure things out but my sadness does not permit me so. I have been on bed all day and oddly, I feel like sleeping all the time. This sadness even ruined my pseudo-pescan veganism. I ate luncheon meat on the 16^th, when I felt really hungry. On the 18^th, I ate barbecue and declared that I could only continue my pseudo-pescan veganism for only 15 days and the following 15 days, I will be allowing myself to eat meat. What a wreck I am. I can’t even eat vegetables permanently.

 

I wish I could make my parents realize that I am now more fully aware of my own actions and anything I do that might fuck up is my own responsibility. I wish they would let me grow up. If my actions do not justify my “growing up,” then I wish they would teach me what to do, I wish they would try to help me—not just blab about how irresponsible I am as a daughter and tell me I disappoint them too much that they have to bring up killing my father’s health. And I don’t want restrictions, only limitations. I wish they wouldn’t give up on my future—because I’m starting to think that they think I have no future anymore. I wish I could share them my plans and my goals, and I want them to support me, not just financially support, but be there for me and tell me that I’m doing a great job.

 

RELATIONSHIP

 

I’ve been having a bad time fighting off my pessimism when it came to my relationship. On my previous post, I wrote about how jealousy ate me up. Well, I have talked to him about it, and I got an explanation. But his explanation was too weak; it did not support the evidences or observations I saw. I never told him about the evidences; I would sound like a detective if I told him. But I trust him, and I know he was sincere in asking for my forgiveness for making me feel that way. Only that I wish it wouldn’t happen again. And I wish I would never see any evidences again.

 

So anyway, we had a chance to talk about some things, and I felt bad—again. I don’t know if it was just because of my pessimism, but I keep doubting his feelings for me. And I finally got an answer, not from him, but from the things he said—implications? He’s still not over the other girl.

 

“”””

isablahblah: ‘di mo ba parang naiisip na baka “nagagamit” mo lang ako or something para pagtakpan yung pain na binigay niya sayo? Pag-isipan mo lang…

 

* silence *

 

him:      nalilito na tuloy ako ngayon.

 

“”””

 

When he could have said “hindi naman” or something, instead, he told me he was starting to get confused. That’s when it started to really hurt. I was only trying to see if he—tangina. Now all my words are gone.

 

I was only trying to make him think and be sure of himself. I only wanted to find out if he really is over the other girl. Now I know I’m still in a fucking competition. And everyone knows I’m going to end up as the loser.

 

The other thing that went wrong is that he wants me to be someone I’m not. He wants me to try to act “girly-girl.” I can’t do that. I’m not supposed to change myself just because it looks proper or whatever. But I will try.

 

The implication I got from him wanting me to act like a girl was very depressing. The girl I was jealous of, he told me, was the “girly-girl” type, while the other girl was the “simple” type. I was the unidentified type. Go figure what the implication is. L He changed it, though, he wanted me to act “girly-girl na weirdo” after a few minutes. But again, he failed me. I’m not giving up on him though. I will try to fight off this pessimism brouhaha. But I still need to know from someone else’s opinion if he’s worth not giving up on. Because I might end up being too blinded by my own feelings.

 

Like I said, I’m starting to doubt his feelings for me. I just want him to say straight away if he wants to end it or not, because I don’t want to hang on to this relationship if I were the only one hanging on to it. I also don’t want to get this relationship to my head too much because I still have my studies to attend to—or so I think. L And I don’t want to be too distracted, because it would ruin my goals. If he wants to break up with me, he should do so before school starts, so I would be enlightened of the fact that what we shared was merely a summer fling. It would hurt like hell, but at least it’s done with already. I’m only after what’s true and what’s not, anyway. The truth will always hurt, but it’s better that way, trust me.

 

Gahd. I really do love him. L I’m the problem. I’m the one who keeps looking at the negative things more than the happier memories we share together. I’m starting to think that……waaaaah LLLLLLLLL

 

MYSELF

 

I feel depressed. I’m starting to act and think like a bum. And I’m only effing 16!!!!

 

-isablahblah-

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